Closed until mid-to-late-July
We’re not under construction. We’re not retiring or sulking or questioning whether we’re really cut out for this blogging milarkey. We’re just taking a summer sabbatical and as ever in our absence we urge you to embrace the offline world as well. Go on — get out there, you big nerd you, get out there and greet the great outdoors and wrestle a mountain goat or any other quadruped of your choice in a remote location.
Normal business resumes sometime in late July. But we’re not promising anything.
Filed under: Whimsical | 1 Comment
Rice and eggs
Rice: I’ve been reliably informed that in Huong Toan commune in Thua Thien – Hue province there’s an archaic law for overdoing it in the procreation department. If you have more than two kids you’re fined a certain amount of rice rather than cash. The law originally stated a minimum punishment of 300 kilos for every superfluous child but 15 years ago that was increased to 500 kilos. But apparently the local population are still popping sprogs with wild abandon. Between 2007 - 2008, the commune witnessed more than 100 “violations” cases (perhaps these rice farmers have lots of rice?). One local farmer has been punished with a few thousand kilos but vows to continue to defy the law until he has a son. He has been saddled with six hopelessly female daughters who cannot maintain the family surname, or farm, when he’s gone.
Eggs: Fake eggs on the market? Well, no — just weird eggs with “pinkish egg whites and dark red yolks”. Apparently you can’t make a fake egg or at least it’s quite difficult because eggs are a “sophisticated natural product”. Back to the drawing board boys — I knew we should have just put all our resources into figuring out how to make counterfeit cash. The egg market is just too hard to crack — BOOM-BOOM!
And just ‘cos I mentioned eggs, here’s Cool Hand Luke…
Filed under: Whimsical, links, stuff | Leave a Comment
Well, I for one, must hold up my hands and say I wasted a lot of time, energy and emotion over this Denilson character, and so therefore, unfortunately I carried you, dear reader, with me and yes, didn’t I feel very silly waking up this morning to discover he’s skedaddled — exit stage left! — citing his leg injury as the reason why he is cutting his short-term contract super-short and departing for the comforting motherly embrace of his homeland Brazil (tomorrow I will picture him on a tropical beach waiting for the Lilt Man, wearing Speedos, contemplating if he should play a game of football tennis in the afternoon or not, what with the leg injury, or just hit the cocktail bar).
In the end, his Vietnamese story won’t even make a chapter in his own memoirs. Jesus, if he was on twitter, he’d barely have had to time to tweet a tweet. It was barely a cameo. More like an accidental venture, a wrong turn down Regrettable Avenue before slapping the gear into reverse, hastily retreating and hightailing it down the Highway to Home.
All in all, he lasted 20 days. In that time he got everyone’s knickers in a twist, incited a couple of near riots, first by arriving, secondly by not playing, he played half a match, scored one very nice goal (for which he pocketed a cool $5,000), got injured, and left. (He was also paid $12,000 — or maybe $15,000 — for his one appearance, last Saturday, and half a month’s salary, apparently $10,000). Whether he’s terrified of the agro-fans, wearied by the horrendous summer heat, or genuinely injured, we’ll never really know. My guess is the Hai Phong nightlife doesn’t cut the mustard for a Samba loving, caipirinha quaffing boy from Brazil. “A summer in Rio, a summer in Do Son, hmmm…” said Denilson weighing up the options to himself.
Oh Denilson, we knew you weren’t here forever, but you couldn’t even manage a summer long romance, now you’ve left us feeling cheap and dirty, like a young innocent maiden who’s be sweet talked into a one night stand by a slippery, silver-tongued philanderer. But once bitten, twice shy, I don’t care who’s up for sale on www.washed-up-brazilian-footballers-4-sale.com, even if it’s Ronaldo or the perpetually shifty looking Rivaldo, we’re not having them! Or at the very least, the Comical Hat will be turning a blind eye, we’ll be at the beach, in our speedo’s, sitting by the pool. Only the fact that we’ll be drinking caipirinhas will betray our innermost feelings.
Filed under: Whimsical, links | 1 Comment
Tags: denilson, leaves vietnam
And we’re off…
- “Many single, professional men in Ho Chi Minh City want a comely, sympathetic female companion at the weekend” — An article here about paid escorts in TPHCM, who date for cash. Not high-class seductive temptresses, but more ordinary gals who might work in a factory during the day. ‘Tis all above aboard, says one “comely maiden” interviewed, who gets VND300,000-500,000 for a date.
- Speaking of comely maidens, those saucy mannequins you see around town will have to cover up or be shunted inside the shop under new regulations concerning “that kinda thing”. “No one wears underwear in public places,” said somebody somewhere sometime ago. So indeed why should those expressionless plastic hussies get away with it!
- Speaking of covering up, the real-thing will also have to show a little less flesh. That’s right human beings, especially female ones parading themselves at fashion shows. Under a fantastic headline, “Sexy Clothing Regulated by Law” it’s reported that “lingerie, clothes and jewelry which have sexually-arousing images will be banned from introduction on big stages…” (Jewellery?) As usual with this “kinda thing” the regulations are steeped in a pot of ambiguity before being penned with phrases like “unsuitable to Vietnamese customs and habits.”
And elsewhere, Girl + Machine on AsiaLIFE, Denilson shoots, he scores, and a new website (at least to us) VietNews — Eyes on Vietnam, and a Quán cafe của người Việt ở Mỹ where the concept is Hooters meets Trung Nguyen. That’s all for now folks. Move along when you’re ready.
Filed under: Whimsical, links, stuff | 5 Comments
Tags: escorts, mannequins, models
Mid-week muddle
- And this news just in — dangerous driving linked to high number of traffic accidents in Vietnam. Yes, hallelujah, finally the transport experts, idling intellectuals, philosophers, philanthropists and physicists and chaos theorists have all gathered together to nut this one out — “Come on Boffins! Let’s get to the bottom of this! Why are there so many accidents around here anyhoo?” Is it the air we’re all breathing? Is it the shoddy engineering of made-in-China scooters? The prevailing westerly winds — that dratted subtropical brat! — or the fact that people have a natural tendency to drive Devil-may-care on a sultry summer’s night? Heavens no! “It’s certainly not my fault,” said Nguyen Chi-Ty Chi-Ty Bang-Bang, a 28-year old truck driver after crashing into the side of a house. “It’s the change in the weather.” Ah yes, the weather, oh ye fickle mistress, you’ll be the death of me and my motley ilk!
- A new underpass in Hanoi certainly made a splash — boom, boom – on its debut last Monday. Somebody forgot to turn on the pump — or install it — and then it rained, and then it poured, and then it filled up with a lot of water and had to be closed. Doh! A big, big, big embarrassment for all involved? Certainly not, and we’re not blaming anybody, for it was most assuredly the fault of the change in the weather, you mercurial old maggot you…
- When they say “fever reducer” do they mean a couple of aspirin and a soothing Lemsip? Or do they mean, “Oops, we’re sorry we didn’t spot these people with Swine flu coming through, but it’s certainly not our fault, it must have been the…”
Filed under: Whimsical, links, satire | Leave a Comment
Tags: hanoi, traffic, tunnel, underpass, weather
The Monday morning mot, hai, ba…
- Great expectorations: This old fella in the Mekong Delta is considered to be a healer. What’s his trick? He gobs on your ailing body. Do you believe this? Possibly-probably-definitely not — but plenty of people do. There have on some days reportedly been 2,500 – 3,000 people queuing up to be gobbed on.
- Photo re-up: A photographic ode to a crumbling colonial apartment block on Dong Khoi street over at Julian’s new pristine blog. It’s a work in progress to keep your eyes on. That particular road is one of the swankiest in the land and therefore every square metre is worth a squillion dong. The resident pyjama-clad grannies’ days are numbered.
- Question: Why did the chicken cross the globe?
Filed under: Whimsical, links, photograph | Leave a Comment
The Bun Cha Girl
At a recent university class reunion in Hanoi a gang of friends arrived to get the measure of each other by way of comparing and contrasting jobs, accomplishments, recent peregrinations, acquisitions and the like. Although nobody in such circumstances actually says: “Tuan Anh oi! It’s so good to see you looking slightly less successful than myself! Excuse me while I whip out my iPhone!”, it is very possibly implied in a more subtle, less verbal fashion.
Thankfully for the most part success seemed to be fairly universal. In one small cluster, a man spouted off about macroeconomics with two others who retaliated with some patter on the property market, most especially beachfront condos in Danang and luxury apartments in Hanoi. The well-dressed trio had all travelled to Singapore, Hong Kong, Bangkok and Australia; they were surprised they hadn’t bumped into each other in Vietnam Airlines’ Business Class Lounge what with all the travelling they’d done. The world of business and finance was foremost in these men’s minds. Sure, the economic downturn, now presented numerous challenges, but capable men when it came to matters of consequence, this was what made business so exciting, and the ensuing conversation on macroeconomics was erudite, insightful and educational.
Eventually an old classmate, Nguyet came towards them. Ah, Nguyet, the uninvited belle to the economic ball, she had shunned a career in business to help her shrewish mother at the family’s bun cha streetside stall near Y___ ___ street and by now it was probably too late to catch up with the ever-rapidly advancing world of business. What a shame. Each of the three worldly business men were nervous about asking her what she was up to these days. Should they say “How’s Life?” or “How’s work?” knowing that she was probably embarrassed to have achieved nothing. One man was even surprised she came. Eventually one of them asked what she was up to and she replied, quite positively, “I’m still helping my mother at the restaurant”. The boys pictured poor Nguyet in her pyjamas rolling meat balls in her hands, turning the slivers of pork over on the clay-grill, opening bottles of Bia Hanoi for red-faced garrulous men and washing chopsticks in a basin on the floor; the permanent stench of fish sauce and smoked pork in her hair, nothing but an empty restaurant and an afternoon nap to look forward to. Okay, she looked alright, but she’d probably dressed up especially for the occasion and would normally be shuffling around in her plastic honeycomb sandals and cycling to the market for the daily groceries. What kind of life was that compared to these accomplished gents who were clearly sailing towards the Sea of Affluence on the SS Success? One mumbled, “Oh, I must come around sometime for some bun cha” and the others quickly concurred, saying out loud that it was the best bun cha in town. Nguyet said that would be great if they came and it would be her treat. The men laughed at this gesture though not in a deliberately cruel way; it just seemed silly to think that they could get excited over a free lunch when it would only cost a paltry VND30,000 each at most. Hadn’t she noticed their expensive suits tailor made for casual get-togethers?
With Nguyet lingering around, the conversation struggled to keep itself going and a palpable sense of awkwardness arose. Eventually Nguyet spotted someone she said she had to say hello to and she tottered off saying she’d chat with the lads later.
The men sighed with relief and got back to chatting about financial matters and undisturbed that’s how they remained until the reunion petered out and everyone made their way to the exit in the late afternoon.
The three men swapped phone numbers in the carpark, promising to meet up soon for coffee and just as they hopped onto their fairly fancy motorbikes — Yamaha Dylans + Piaggios, that kind of thing — a BMW 4WD pulled up beside them. The window rolled down, and lo and behold, there was Nguyet, the bun cha girl, behind the steering wheel: “Hey, see you guys soon! Don’t forget to come to my restaurant for lunch! My treat!”
The three men drove home separately, each reflecting in their own way on microeconomics and the life they had lived thus far and how far they had to go.
*******
This is a hastily written variation of a story which I overheard and have completely alterred. My apologies as ever to the original storyteller but as Italo Calvino once said “It is not the voice that commands the story: it is the ear.” That’s not to say I wasn’t really listening, I was just imagining the above version while listening to the actual story.
Filed under: Whimsical, satire | 5 Comments
Tags: bun cha girl, class reunion, macroeconomics, story
A hot Irishman dreams of harp
One of the classic Harp ads from the 1980s where a hot, sweaty Paddy-abroad reminisces of home – “Friends coming into the pub, Sally O’Brien and the way she might look at you” – and curses the unholy heat – “So hot you could fry an egg, if you had an egg…. ” and dreams of a pint of Harp lager, Ireland’s equivalent of Bia Hanoi, non-premium varietal.
Filed under: Whimsical, links | 1 Comment
Tags: 1980s, bia hanoi, harp ad, sally o'brien
Too hot, too hat lay-deeeee
Slap on the Coolio CD – ‘cos it’s too hot, too hot, lay-deeee! — or if you’d rather the Kool and the Gang version it’s pasted below. But really, truly, it’s hot, and I couldn’t be bothered writing half a paragraph so all you’re getting is links today kids…
- Here’s some proof that it’s hot– so hot you could fry an egg on your pillion seat, if you had an egg that is…
- Here’s more proof that it’s hot, which when coupled with a power cut is an absolute nightmare for young babies, geriatrics and large pasty Paddies — I like the woman climbing a tree in the hope of catching a flicker of a breeze… if she served blended lemon juice I’d join her.
- Here’s some speculation on Denilson and whether he might be a very expensive lemon. If the Haiphong fans get their hands on him he might be a blended lemon juice sometime very soon.
Take it away JT…
Filed under: Whimsical, links | Leave a Comment
Tags: coolio, hanoi, heat wave, hot, kool and the gang
Start of the week…
So after all that palaver — sorry! — Denilson didn’t even play and the fans went wild with rage so they did. Apparently he’s possibly out for a month too, which when you consider he’s here on a three-month deal might lead you to suspect that he is — as they say in that quaint Cockney vernacular in old London town — having a bubble bath mate!
In other news… — and speaking of bubble baths –
- Hanoi is to become smoke free by 2010!
- Somebody told this Australian travel writer Chao da means hello in Vietnamese and he wonders why one old woman didn’t say hello back.
- Check out these fellas with no helmets…
That’s all for now my lovelies.
Filed under: Whimsical, links | 5 Comments
Recent Entries
Categories
- links (55)
- music (1)
- photograph (4)
- satire (14)
- stuff (38)
- Uncategorized (9)
- Whimsical (93)
