Monkeying around

27Jul09

A highly entertaining story from the Snooze about the spread of mischievous monkeys in Hanoi. That’s right. Misplaced your bike/car keys recently? Actually, my friend, better check that your bike/ car’s outside as a monkey could be hooning around town on your wheels RIGHT NOW. Also, noticed that your alphabetised bookshelves are in disarray with weighty tomes left dog eared and discarded on the floor? Or get the feeling that someone else has been using your toothbrush even though you live alone? Again, I’m afraid you may have been the victim of some serious monkey business.

In the article the writer laments the fact that his children even sided with the monkeys (which he describes as “primate pests”) who have thrashed his house: “Dad, can you tell me when the monkey will visit us again?” Argh, et tu my child?!

A police officer duly arrived at the scene sensing a major case that might help him surge up the ranks from junior deputy-vice-chief superintendent to senior deputy-vice-chief superintendent. But he was reluctant to set up a sting operation or a “stakeout” to try and capture these master criminals. “We could come,” suggested the policeman according to the writer, “but the monkey may quickly escape before we arrive” (like that damned elusive Pimpernel, I tells ya!) [and] “we are not allowed to use guns on them…”

Not even taser guns? Alas, no. And apparently not even anthropologists are safe. “I was sleeping one afternoon when I heard a strange noise. When I opened my eyes, I saw a big monkey opening my electric rice cooker,” said Mr. Long, a local anthropologist. “When I moved towards it, the animal jumped out the window and disappeared on to the roof of a nearby house.”

While housewives have been left fuming at these furry rascals who jump on altars, eat fruit, open fridges and washing machines, and abscond with the contents, one Hanoian was impressed enough to admit he “appreciated the monkeys’ intelligence” as he has tried to trap and poison them and has failed each and every time. So he holds what you might call a grudging respect for the monkeys – you know like Sherlock Holmes had for his old nemesis Professor Moriarty. “Why good day Mr. Monkey but as you can see by this chess board I have been expecting you. Pawn to King 5!”

The writer also admitted that he tried and failed to poison the meddling miscreants. However, police have advised trying more sneaky tactics to drive the monkeys away rather than trying to poison them or engaging them in hand-to-hand combat.

But where do these monkeys come from and what do they want?

“Hey, hey we’re the monkeys,” said one primate delinquent contacted by The Comical Hat. “And I know people say we monkey around, but frankly we’re too busy singing to put anybody down.”

So what did the monkeys want from the domesticated Homo Sapiens of Hanoi?

“We’re just trying to be friendly.”

Perhaps, what we have here my friends is simply a failure in communication.

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