Brace yourselves lads

29Apr09

[Warning: Male readers may squirm and wince while reading this post] — Local newspaper Thanh Nien recently reported that doctors in hospitals in Ho Chi Minh City are reporting an increase in the number of men being dismembered by wives who are jealous of their husband’s girlfriend or girlfriends who are jealous of their boyfriend’s wife – troubling times indeed for any members of the local male population, who might be innocently making the beast with two backs with someone who isn’t their wife in the local Nha Nghi (Guest houses *ahem*).

They — the adulterers at large — can however take solace in the knowledge that all is not lost if they are castrated as one’s vital organ can be successfully reattached, as long as it’s preserved properly. Cho Ray hospital in Ho Chi Minh City recently reattached a 40-year old man’s middle-stump, which had been cut off by his wife – after she had discovered he had been cheating on her, naturally. It was the girlfriend who helped the man to the hospital with his severed penis in a bag of ice. In another case a 50-year old man was dismembered by his girlfriend and was then helped to Binh Dan hospital in Ho Chi Minh City by his sympathetic wife, who perhaps felt his castration was a punishment that didn’t fit the crime. While both of these men have been successfully, shall we say, reassembled, some other men have not been so lucky. One man reportedly had his severed penis fed to a dog while another man had his boiled.

In the meantime Duong Quang Vu of Cho Ray Hospital has become something of an expert at reconnecting severed penises such the regularity of cases. He claimed the procedure was complicated, but not impossible, and that jealously was usually the cause for dismemberment. He also added that it was impossible to extend an organ during the operation though we’re not sure, in any of the above cases, who asked if that was possible – a victim? Or one of the girlfriends or wives rubbing salt in the broken man’s wound?

Thanh Nien also printed a helpful box in case you need to know what to do with your severed member — but we’d like to offer a few tips for the adulterers, such as a) don’t make love in the kitchen near the bread knives b) strip search your partner before heading to the bedroom, also check the bed for sharp implements c) in general avoid getting caught cheating especially if your missus is fairly bonkers anyway d) never fall asleep after sex, stay alert!

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